We ll fix it
by Napels
Summary: What might have happend between them, after Jack told Ennis I wish I knew how to quit you


_**We´ll fix it...**_

´_Jack, I can´t stand this anymore_´ Ennis sobbed, desperately clinging to Jack.

Jack hugged him as hard as he could while Ennis wept like a child in his arms. Jack´s annoyance over Ennis´s refusal for August, his helpless resentment at their far too rare meetings, soon dissolved into a deep sense of regret over his anger.

He had seen the pain in Ennis eyes. A pain that Jack himself knew only too well. A pain that went so deep that it tore one.

At first he had felt a kind of satisfaction, no longer being alone with his distress, his pain. But that feeling had not borne him for long. - Jack had been expecting various reactions from Ennis because of what he´d said to him, such as fierce anger, a blow in the face – but never that Ennis would collapse in his arms in pain, hit by his words.

On the other hand, he had confessed to meeting other men, if only for sex.

But the pain and jealousy in Ennis eyes had olny made Jack angrier. He had told him that he had no right to complain about it, because he had brought him there. Jack had been in a rage, yelling out everything that had accumulated in him over the years of despair and disappointment.

And Ennis had accepted it without resistance. In his eyes, Jack had seen how helpless he had been against all those feelings - until the moment Jack had fired his last words at him like a deadly shot.

´_I wish I knew how to quit you_´ his own words repeated painfully in Jacks head.

His constant longing and despair over their far too rare encounters was a fact Jack found hard to live with. But he never wanted to part with Ennis, not even in times of great despair. He meant everything to him. everything worth living for.

His last shot had been a hard blow.

Ennis had tried to suppress his pain and tears. But when Jack had turned to face him and realized what he had just done, it was too late. He had never seen Ennis so devastated, so desperate. Ennis´s pain had hit him worse than the hardest blow.

He had wanted to hug him, comfort him – but Ennis was too hurt. He pushed him away like a wounded animal and did not let himself be touched.

But thanks to his old rodeo days, Jack did not let himslef be discouraged. He grabbed Ennis and pulled him as tight as he could into his arms. His grip allowed no resistance. But Ennis had no strength left to fight Jack. He collapsed in his arms and cried desperately.

Ennis, who had learned since childhood to suppress any pain and tacitly endure his fears like an eternal punishment, now cried in his arms and it seemed to Jack that he could feel the despair in every fiber of Ennis´s body.

Jack slowly sank to the floor with Ennis and never let him go, but held him tight in his arms. ´_I´m sorry_´ Jack apologized, his voice shivering slightly ´_it´s o.k.!´ _he tried to calm him down gently, but when Ennis did not stop crying but clung to Jack as if he threatened to drown in his pain, Jack was carried away by his dispair ´_Damn you, Ennis´_

´_Jack, I can´t stand this anymore_´ Ennis sobbed in his arms and could not stop crying.

´_If we can´t stand it anymore -_ _we´ll have to fix it,?!_´ Jack told him in a weak voice, hugging Ennis even harder.

`_I´m sorry..._´ Ennis gasped quietly ´..._I´m so sorry Jack. I never meant to hurt you...´_ as Jack felt Ennis gather all the strength left to him ´_...but I can´t stand losing you´_ Jack heard him say, while Ennis clung to him with all his strength left, as if he wanted to hold him forever and never let go again.

Taken by Ennis despair Jack assured him softly `_You´re not going to loose me, but, damn it Ennis, you´re killing me! Can´t you see ..._´ his voice trailing off.

Cradling Ennis gently in his arms, Jack was relieved to feel that Ennis was slowly calming down at his words until he finally removed himself from Jacks grip and looked at him uncertainly ´_But - ya just told me, ya wished ..._`

_´If we can´t stand it anymore, we have_ _to fix it. Isn´t that what ya told me?_´ Jack gently cut him off and, as he caught Ennis´s eye, he added ´_we can still fix it, Ennis, but only together – only if ya with me_´

´_And how?´_Ennis wanted to know_ \- Jack, I can´t move to Texas, not even if I wanted to. I have no dime but always have to make money somehow, to pay for the girls_´ He turned his eyes from Jack´s and added resignedly ´_they can not help it I have married Alma_ _ – that I realized too late to who I really belonged to..._´

Jack gently put a hand to his cheek and made Ennis look at him again ´_No, they can not help it – but neither do I... I need you with me Ennis, I can not stand these eternal separations of you anymore_!´

Ennis shook off his hand and took a step back, angry and desperate with his words.

´_Damn it Jack, ya think it´s easy for me not to see ya, not to be with ya?! It tears me inside! Ya really think I have no idea how bad it gets? Then let me tell ya, I know damn well Jack, believe me, I know it!_´ he cursed desperately under his breath, tears welling up in his eyes again ´_So tell me what to do, Jack, cause I don´´t know what to do anymore_´

Jack felt the deep desperation in his words and realized how wrong it had been to accuse Ennis of not knowing how bad it could get.

They both only knew it too well and somehow had stood it, each in their own way.

But that had to end now.

He wanted them to stop just enduring things any longer but finally enjoy the time left to their lives together. After all, they did not get any younger.

´_Tell ya what I´ll do._ _I will divorce Lureen and return to Wyoming_´ Jack said, as if he had made the decision already for a while. ´_I´ll go back to Lightning Flat and try to get that old farm going again. This way we are only a few hours away from each other by car anymore so we can see us more often. On the weekends, when your kids are not with you - maybe go fishing.._.´ Jack gave him a gentle smile.

Ennis returned his smile. The prospect of being able to see Jack every two weeks made his heart beat faster. They would be far enough apart without arousing suspicion, yet close enough to see each other regularly, be together.

´_That sounds just to good to be true, Jack! But_ _what do you want to live from at Lightning Flat?_´

´_We´ll build a log cabin up there and start up this little cow-and-calf operation I told ya about_´ Jack told him determinated. ´_But before, I´ll have to make some more money somehow. Once I split up with Lureen, I don´t see a cent anymore, so I have to get things done now - But I know we can do it, believe me - and one day soon, we can live there together._..´

Ennis looked at him weary. Jack would never give up talking about living together on their own farm. But as much as he forbade himself from dreaming of living with Jack, he had to admit that thanks to Jack´s stubbornness it was becoming harder and harder for him to put this thought completaly aside. He was aware of how dangerous it was to indulge in such a wonderful illusion. to lose himself in it as if it was not just an insatiable desire, but a real possibility. Because he knew that if this dream would hit the ground of realit, its shards would destroy much more than just a wonderful, forbidden dream. This certainty had once been burned deep into his consciousness by his father, as if he would have known, already...

The despair over the incompatibility of desire and reality came over him again, leaving him angry and helpless.

´_Well Jack, from what ya told me about your father, I´m sure he will be thrilled to learn that ya want to live with another man on his farm, won´t he? - Damn Jack, I´ve told ya what my father did, and I don´t doubt a seconde that, if he would be still alive, he would do the same to me if he kew about us. Ya really think ya father or anyone else will be different?_´ he desperately spat back.

Jack looked at Ennis in silence for a momoment. He had already told Ennis some things he could hardly handle. But there was a truth between them that had remained unspoken over all those years, and that Jack could no longer hold back. He did not know how Ennis would handle it, but he could not and did not want to take that into account now. The time for the uncomfortable truths between them was suddenly there, and Jack knew he would never do it again if he did not say it now.

´_Ya just told me ya can´t stand this anymore - just like me. Ya always told me, if ya can´t fix it, ya have to stand it. But we don´t have to stand it, Ennis, because we __can__ still fix it! Can´t ya see?!´ _He took a deep breath, before continuing ´_Damn, Ennis, I love you! So much that it almost tears me apart! - I guess ya know that this is the damn truth. - And if the fact that I love you means that I´m queer, then, the fuck I am.´ _he told Ennis, his eyes searching for his glance. He had seen Ennis flinch at the word ´queer´ and when their eyes finally met, Jack could see the emotions running wild in his eyes.

`_Why are ya doing this?_´Ennis asked him, his voice audibly cracking of emotion.

´_Because we have to face the truh once. We can not go on like this, Ennis._´ Jack told him bluntly. _Ya all that matters to me in my life . – But, damn Ennis, what am I to ya?` _Jack demanded to know.

He could see tears rising in Ennis´s eyes again, sensing this was too much for him right now, but he could not let him out now. So when Ennis wanted to turn away from him, Jack did not let him, but took his face between his hans so Ennis had to face him.

_´What am I too you, Ennis?´ _Jack´s voice was as gentle as a caress, yet unyielding.

Ennis looked at him and averted his eyes, uncertainly, then looked back at him. Jack still held his face in his hands and looked him in the eyes. He could see Ennis wrestling with himslef.

´_Damn Jack, ya know how I feel about you_´ Ennis told him shakily.

´_Do I? _\- ´ Jack would not help him with this, not for the sake of Ennis and not for his own sake.

´_Why do you have to make this so damn hard for me, Jack?_` Ennis cursed quietly.

´_It´s not me who makes it so hard for you, Ennis_´ Jack gently put right. ´ - _It´s this word, right?_´

Ennis looked confused at him and pulled away from Jack.

´_Queer_´ Jack pronounced calmly `_Ya afraid to tell me how you feel about me, because that could mean ya´queer´, right?_´ When Ennis shot him a glare and moved away from him, Jack did´t know what to do anymore. ´_I_ g_uess that means that this word and ya fear of it mean more to you then I do._´ Jack detected and turned away from Ennis as he felt tears gathering in his eyes. Some things would never change.

´_Damn, Jack, wait!_´ Ennis stopped him desperately when he saw the light in Jack´s eyes dying

´_I -_ ...`

Jack slowly turned around to face him again. ´_\- Ya what, Ennis?_´ he inquired weary. He knew, Ennis wouldn´t give him an honest answer to his question.

Ennis kept his eyes fixed to his shoes, trying hard to avoid Jack´s glance that he could feel resting on him. ´_I- ..damn Jack, - ...I do_´ Ennis said, his voice barly audible.

Jack stared quietly at him for a moment, before he drew in a shivering breath ´_...do what, Ennis?´_ he inquired softly, his heart beating so loude that he barley heard himself speak.

´..._love ya_` Ennis told him quietly and slowly raised his head to face Jack. As their eyes met, he could see tears shining in Jack´s eyes.

´_Ya do?_´ Jack´s voice shook audibly. He could hardly believe what he had just heard. He flashed Ennis a happy smile before his eyes became serious again all of a sudden. ´_Ennis, ya don´t have to say that just because..._´ his voice trailed off and a painful espression setteld in his eyes. ´_Please don´t say it, if it isn´t the true. If ya just said it because I w..._´ as Ennis silenced him with a kiss that was as desperate and yearning as when, after four endless years, they had finally met again.

´_I love you! – Jack, I swear..._´ Ennis vowed quietly to Jack, tears shining in his eyes.

Jack´s eyes spoke volumes when he looked back at Ennis before he pulled him in again, kissing him deeply with all the love he felt in his heart and Ennis eagerly returned it to him, as if to seal his vow to Jack, until sometime they had to come up for air. Still breathing heavily from their kiss Jack looked deep into his eyes. ´_Then damn,_ _Ennis, please – give us a chance! Let us try it ,please! I promise I will find a way to fix it for us!_´ he pleaded.

Ennis caressed Jack´s cheeks tenderly with his thumbs as he looked straight back at him.´_I know ya will, Jack! And I´m damn scared because I´m fucking scared for ya. Ya are not afraid of everything. That makes you careless_.´ he told him quietly, before he let go of Jack desperately and turned away.

But Jack did not let go of him, but pulled him back to himself.

´_Don´t_ _ ya worry Ennis, I promise, we´ll be careful! Ya know, maybe you could rent a trailer instead of the house to set up near the farm so we do not officially ive together in the same house. Besides, you can use it when you see your children. I hire you as an employee. Who could object. Then we´ll see. What do you think?_` he reassured him gently.

´_It sounds so damn easy if you say so. But it ain´t that simple, you know that, don´t you?!_´Ennis dared to doubt.

_´Don´t ya think it´s worth trying? Please, Ennis, give us a chance – or for how long do you think we will be able to stand this anymore?´ _Jack inquired desperately.

Ennis knew he could not answer that. He rubbed his eyes wearily before looking at Jack thoughtfully. ´_And how are we going to do this? From what ya told me about the farm, at the moment we will not be able to really make some money from it. But I have to earn money to at least pay for the girls. So I have to work elsewhere and can only be able to give ya a hand on the weekends. That for sure won´t be enough for us to get started._´ Ennis objected carefully.

´_For now, you´ll stay in Riverton and keep on working until I got some things settled and done_. _For that time_ _I´ll find me some help, somehow.´ _Jack told him determinately.

´_And how do you want to pay for a help without money? Besides, didn´t ya say your father couldn´t find someone to help at all? Jack, how is this supposed to work?_´

´_I don´t know yet_, _love, but I´ll find a way to fix it. Just as long as you´re with me. _Jack assured him with a loving glance. _ ´- Ya know, there´s this neighbour in Texas who´s always at my trail. He´s a heavy worker and it seems he likes me, even if he is a bit pushy at times, but I know how to handle. He would certainly help me out for a while._´ Jack considered.

´_You won´t go for this, Jack, promise me!_` Ennis told him bluntly with an uncomfortabe expression in his eyes. When Jack met his gaze, he could see Ennis was genuinely worried.

´_Hey_, _it´s just a thought. Maybe I can think of another possibility. Don´t ya worry, o.k.?!_´ Jack reassured him. ´_Promise me to think about it Ennis, will ya?!_´

Ennis nodded hesitantly. `... - _I got to go_´ he relucantly mentioned before carefully asking ´_So, _s_ee ya in November...?!_´

At his words, Jack felt reminded to that distant first summer on Brokeback when Ennis had come up behind him and pulled him close, standing by the fire.. _I got to go – see ya in the moring..._ and for a moment, it seemed to him as if he could feel Ennis´s arms around him again, he was immersed in the tenderness of a moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives that had boded Jack´s heart to Ennis forever. He knew that it was impossible for him to ever let go of Ennis, no matter what. And he knew that Ennis was the same.

Jack gave him a silent nod, to confrim thier date in November and watched him leaving. Would they be able to fix things this time? They had admitted some painful truths, and he knew that this had demanded a lot from Ennis. Nevertheless, for the first time Ennis had not destroyed his hopes but was trying to get involved. So maybe there was hope indeed, and Jack would do anything to make things work...


End file.
